Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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