every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
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The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
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Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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