You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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