Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
