I just gift wrapped bread.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
being pregnant is like rehab
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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