All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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