I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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