in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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