Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
