Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
