Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
