if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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