Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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