Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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