My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
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