Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
