At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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