the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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