I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
