I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
