help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Randomize
