Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
