i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
