When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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