"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
