you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
