I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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