it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
