I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Your shirt... Was in my pants
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
