I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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