Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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