my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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