I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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