Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
