i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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