i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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