Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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