i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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