Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
