what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
