My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
