She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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