guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I looked at my own cervix.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Randomize
