glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I think I won the penis lottery.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
