i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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