How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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