How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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