I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
