dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Randomize
