anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
