if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Randomize
