i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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