he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
