i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
