it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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