I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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