So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
